Sewing

I still have to touch on the body image issue, just not today. This is my latest creation made from a free pattern on the internet and cotton/poly/spandex jersey. Not my best photo, but people see me looking way more embarrassing every day. Actually, I'm almost never embarrassed about how I appear, only except when captured with a photograph.

You see, we move through life making all sorts of faces, sounds, and smells. Those fade with time. That's why a live performance is so good, but a single mistake on an album lives on and on, over and over, making itself more noticeable with each play.

Maybe this is a bit about body image.

My dress form was made in an evening while watching television. I ate and drank, I used the bathroom. Kyle kept telling me that I'd distort it. I said a body in motion is for how clothing should be made. After several hours and several layers of packaging tape, he carefully cut the dress form off me. As soon as I saw it I was mortified. I was inconsolable. I was a humongous monster. That is how I've seen myself for most of my adult life, and especially my teens. Lets face it, with no shoes on, I'm six feet tall. I now accept that I will never fit the norm. It took me years to come to terms with my height, and size.

Guess what--- I'm not a size 4, 6, or even 8 (although once a store named The Limited tried to drastically make bank on vanity sizing and I was a size 8, once, only that one size 8 fit me that one time, ever). On my *best* times I've been a 10, but then I was being talked into it by awful verbal abuse by a guy that would say things like "you have such squishy thighs", he did way worse than that, but it is of no matter any more.

I'm usually a 12. No big deal right? But then there is the whole weight thing. Right now, I'm at 183. My driver's license says 150. At my thinnest I was at 155. I could sit in a bikini and my belly looked acceptable (to me). I smoked, a lot.

I've not smoked more than 3 cigs in about 2 years. I run now, so I know I actually have more muscle which weighs more than fat. I can run over 3 miles, I like it.

So here I am at 183, sucking in my belly.

I ate some really delicious food and lots of sweets this holiday season. I bet I put on 20 lbs. I'm not pleased with my looks right now, but I'll be OK. The most important thing is to feel good. I really want to run this weekend.

I'd also like to know what measurements are appropriate for a 6 foot tall woman. I've searched and searched.  Maybe I should stop and call it good when I'm happy. Which I guess is right now.

Stupid Barbie.